From Miley to Chopin and back…

Finding the right partner takes a lot of trial and error for women. For guys, it’s all about the old in out, in out, grabbing tits and ass and, if lucky, getting to park their junk in our trunk. For girls, it’s a total different story. For starters, girls should include a user’s manual as we ourselves, take time to figure out what works and what doesn’t. It’s a delicate symphony that with the right tempo and if the right notes are hit, can provoke a masterpiece of tingly sensations splashing all along the front row. It takes a long time to master this art by ourselves, let alone anyone else that didn’t take music classes. There are a lot of things that guys will do that will completely annihilate the orchestra, turning it into some banjo playing, redneck sounding country song. The following are my accounts of the different guys that turned out be Miley Cyrus instead of Bach or Chopin…

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Bad Sex

I’ve dated a few people throughout the years and I’ve found that every experience is unique. Maybe I don’t date normal people or there’s aren’t any out there but through the years I have gathered a plethora of  memorable experiences that are worthy of sharing.

 

The virgin

This guy was particularly interesting. It always adds to your pride when you take someone’s virginity as you are responsible to showing them the ways. This one was very eager to learn (although he came out of the closet later on which explained the whole virgin thing). I met the virgin in university and after a few dates, he decided to give his.. err.. flower to me. It was not a special moment, it lasted about a minute and was followed by a lot of awkwardness. The next couple of times we hooked up were gradually better. The thing about virgins is that you can train them, you can tell them what to do; however, they still lack experience and playing teacher is only sexy when role playing.

 

 The stamina aka guy that wants to last 8 hours

Every girl will come in contact with this guy. Whether it’s your guy that just cannot make it happen or, like the stamina, a guy that simply likes to last the whole night. This guy was older and mysterious. It was the first time I was with a guy that had his own apartment. We went to his room around 10pm and I finally got some rest around 3am. It was constant, left right, up, down, crazy. It’s nice to have some variety but this guy would not stop. There comes a point in the night where the old in out in out becomes played out and it just runs down the goodies. The point where you just move your head to the side and let him do what he has to do in the hopes that he will be over soon so you can get him off you and get some sleep.

 

The guy that makes funny faces

Everyone makes unattractive faces while having sex. It’s a mixture between someone about to beat the shit out of you and you taking an actual shit. Some people though, like this one particular guy go way over board. He would close his eyes really tight, purse his lips to the side and literally looked like he was about to burst.  

 

The sweaty guy

This one was particularly gross. Sex isn’t pretty or prim like in the movies, sex is dirty, messy at times and wet. However, I did not sign up to go to the waterpark. I loved this guy. He was a musician, owned and had shaggy hair and this suave attitude that could sweet talk his way out of anything.

 

The lazy guy

 

The dirty guy

 

The dirty talk guy

 

The giver

 

The aggressive guy